Doubt Not That I Love
by lannistersdebt
Summary: Why did Severus decide to become a Death Eater?


**A/N: This piece was written for JoeCool989`s "Death Eater Competition". My character is Severus Snape, my event is the final push that caused him to be a Death Eater, my prompts are excruciating and curly, and my phrase is "The patter of the rain did nothing to ease the turmoil of his thoughts.**

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><p>Love is said to make people do rash things, to act without reason, and to make themselves fools. Love is said to be the greatest thing a human can have, and also the worst. Love is a gift, yet a curse. No man knew it better than Severus Snape.<p>

He sat in the kitchen of his drab house in Spinner`s End, pictures spread over the table before him. The only light came from candles lit all about the room. None of them provided enough support for him to look at the pictures anymore, but that hardly mattered. He had stopped looking at them a quarter of an hour ago. Instead his eyes had been glued to the walls, watching the shadows alternate between grand and petite as the flames flickered.

Outside, thunder rumbled loudly and shook the house slightly. A flash of lightning caught his attention when he saw it from the corner of his eyes, and he turned his head to look out. The skies had grown darker and darker while he had been lost to the world, and now the heavens were about to open. He stood up after pushing his chair back and went to the switch on the wall, flipping it up. For a moment he just stood there, one hand on the wall, and looked at the pictures scattered about. He was so tempted to turn the light back off, to sink back into his little hole of oblivion, but he needed to get through with this.

He needed to move on.

And so he went back to the task. Each picture was of the woman he loved most, but the woman he could never have: Lily Evans, soon to be Potter. There were a surprising amount of them, more than he had first thought. They started when the two of them had first really become friends and ended with their fifth year. The single image from their final year was from the day they graduated. Lily had looked as beautiful as ever, even though they were all just in their school robes. She had worn her hair up that day, but had purposefully left a few strands and her bangs free, all of which she curled. She wore a slight bit of make-up, only enough to enhance her splendor not to mask it, and had been radiant. His heart had ached at the sight of her, and even now, the pain he felt at knowing that his feelings were not reciprocated was excruciating.

Minutes later he had all the pictures stacked up, save the graduation one. He wanted to look at it for a few seconds longer, to make sure that what he was doing was the right thing. So many people would say it was wrong. So many people were going to hate him. Yet…so many people would be delighted if he joined them and the others…the ones who were with Dumbledore…they would not be surprised at all. He was a Slytherin, he had loved the Dark Arts, he had spent most of his time with the people who made it no secret that they planned to become Death Eaters. So why should he, who had nothing going for him on the 'good' side of this war, stay there? Why should he not seize the opportunity to have the power he had been craving since he was a young boy, when his father hit him or both parents went after each other in their yelling matches?

The Dark Lord had used all of the reasons when they had spoken, though most of his emphasis had been on the last two. Severus still remembered their conversation well. They had been at the home of one of the Death Eaters, having a meeting. He had been invited, primarily because of his skills with potions, for it was going to be essential to have a potions master on hand – according to the Dark Lord, anyway. But they had not discussed any of this in private. No, they had gone on a walk together instead, unaccompanied by any of the others.

"I sense in you a thirst for power that has not been fulfilled, and will not be fulfilled if you continue with your course," he had begun with. "And you feel you lack purpose as well? It is because of the Mudblood isn`t it?"

Severus had tensed up, jaw hardening. "I ask that you not use the term around me, my Lord." His tone was firm, yet he managed to add a touch of politeness as well. And this seemed to be a source of amusement. The other man laughed and nodded, a strange smile slipping into place. Voldemort alone out of the dark side knew how he truly felt toward Lily, for he had not yet completely mastered Occlumency.. Severus cast a look to his left, hair falling forward to cover his face slightly, as he waited.

"You are an exceptionally talented wizard, Severus Snape. Your skills far exceed those of many of the Death Eaters – it is not just any man who can create spells and curses, potions too." He nodded slightly with the pause. "To join me would allow you to put your talents to work. You will have a purpose. You will not be wasted. Come, become a brother, gain more power than you could dream of. You will be able to destroy anyone who stands in your – our – way, anyone who demeans you, anyone who tries to keep from you what you want the most."

At the end of that conversation he had told the man that he would think about it and give him an answer at their next meeting. Surprisingly (or not so surprisingly, depending on how one wants to view it), he _had _thought about what he was offered. It was everything he wanted, with the potential to gain more, and yet a voice in the back of his mind told him that he should not do it. To do so would be to confirm what Lily had said outside the Gryffindor portrait hole that fateful night, to make her right. If he joined the dark wizard there would be no going back, he would be marked forever. If he were caught by the Ministry, it would mean Azkaban. But if he joined, then it would be a way to keep Lily safe. He would be able to get to her if there was an attack planned for her.

The next meeting was tonight, and still he had not decided for sure. Pulling out his wand, he waved it harshly and the light went back out, plunging him into an almost absolute darkness. The weather outside had failed to settle down, and while he normally found precipitation helpful, currently the patter of the rain did nothing to ease the turmoil of his thoughts. With a sigh, he slipped his wand back into his robes and crossed his arms over his chest, resuming his staring at the walls.

[-]-[-]-[-]-[-]

"So, Severus, have you reached a decision yet?" They stood with all the Death Eaters this time; privacy was unnecessary.

"I have." Truth be told, he hadn`t ever really needed to debate. He only thought he had. In his heart, and at the back of his mind, he had known what he would do, because if it offered an opportunity to help Lily he wouldn`t resist. "I will take the Mark."


End file.
